 He peeped tentatively through the window, savouring the delicacies with his young eyes. His only wish was to get a few leftovers to eat. He looked on helplessly as a family prepared to leave their barely finished plates. His tiny tummy rumbled even louder.
He placed his dirty hands on the glass like an insect trying to get out of a glass jar, hoping that someone will free it from its misery.
Nobody wanted an urchin around their business. He knew this well. This was his cue to walk away before he was chased off again like an infectious pest.
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Friday Fictioneers is a meme by Madison Woods.
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BRAVO!!!! Just brilliant…wow. You and readinpleasure killed this…well done!!! I felt the story so well…
Thanks Boomie.
I agree. Readinpleasure’s flash fiction is exceptional.
Kwadwo, I love this. Brilliant. Yours was a two pronged approach, the story told from the point of view of a human or an insect/month. It also brings to the fore, the hunger and want prevalent in the less endowed socities. Well done.
And thanks for the lovely words; you and Boomie will kill me oh! Hoping to see your comments on other blogs of the FFs.
What can I say, a work of art is a work of art.
Yours is truly a masterpiece.
Welcome to friday fictioneers. Great use of the insect imagers.
Here’s mine: http://postcardfiction.com/2012/05/25/despite-your-intentions/
Thanks Janet. It’s great to be a part of such a lovely writing community.
Great take on this prompt!
Thank you
aww, poor little thing! http://oldentimes.wordpress.com/2012/05/24/friday-fictioneers-may-25-but-you-sleep-on/
An original take on the prompt. Liked this.
http://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/05/24/checkin-out-the-joint-friday-fictioneers-may-2012/
such a sad scene. I hate that there are children in this world who don’t get enough food to eat.
My only critique is many of the sentences begin the same way. In such a short piece variety in length and structure could make it much stronger.
Thanks for stopping in to my place
Thanks for stopping by, Carrie.
I appreciate the critique. Will do better next time.
This is quite heartbreaking. I hope the little guy finds some food out in the parking lot. Or better still, at the healthier restaurant opposite. You conjure him well and really stir emotions with your writing of this piece.
I’m over here: http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/05/25/friday-fictioneers-drive-thru/
Oh, a very nice touch to turn it into social commentary. Good job. Thanks for the comment on mine.
just pulls the heartstrings, here is mine
http://craftytara.wordpress.com/2012/05/24/hope-2/
Poor guy – I want to go buy him a package of fries. I enjoyed your take and liked the image of his little hands on the glass. You made me look closer at the picture.
Mine is here: http://erinleary.wordpress.com/2012/05/24/flight-path/
Awww. So sad. Just tore me up. Great job. Thanks for stopping by to comment on mine!
My linky: http://unduecreativity.wordpress.com/2012/05/24/chasing-the-divine/
Very thought provoking and powerful story.
My story is here: http://bridgesareforburning.wordpress.com/
What a sad indictment of our times and a really powerful image painted alongside the prompt too – really well done
ere be mine for any that would like to visit: http://womanontheedgeofreality.com/2012/05/25/fairys-through-the-window/
Love how you used the moths in the prompt, drawing a correlation between the urchin pressing against the glass.
Here’s mine:http://teschoenborn.com/2012/05/25/friday-fictioneer-perspective/
You captured the hunger and desire perfectly. Well done. Thank you for commenting on mine.
Siobhan
I love short easy reads. Good job with the prompt.
Thanks Nifti
A Charles Dickens like story. You did a great job with the prompt, covering an area that didn’t even occur to the rest of us. Thank you for shining a light into that dark corner.
thanks for reading & commenting on mine, and welcome to Friday Fictioners. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Thanks Russell. I’m proud to be with the Friday Fictioneers.
Looking forward to next week’s prompt
Interesting take on the prompt, using the images figuratively rather than literally. And thanks for your comments on my post.
http://stonesoupnovelist.com/2012/05/24/a-scene-from-the-novel-the-alchemists-tower/
You’re welcome. I hope you get your novel published soon.
This short piece suggests it’ll be a great read.
Cheers!
So powerful in such a short piece. This character could be anything or anyone. The sentiment is the same and that is that your character is not wanted. Beautifully told: Mine is over here http://remakingme-atiyatownes.blogspot.com/2012/05/friday-flash-fiction-best-hubby-ever.html
Hi .. Welcome to Friday Fictioneers!! Feel sorry for him. Maybe he will meet up with my two moths and they will teach him how to sneak inside to get some food. Well done. Here’s mine:
http://www.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com
Thanks Lora. I’m glad to join in the fun.
I hope your moths don’t shun him too, judging by the difficulty they’re having in getting to the food.
lol
This was a pretty well drawn picture of a desperate child. Bittersweet with a topping of just plain bitter. But I liked your metaphorical twists and turns, always bringing us back to the insects.
Good showing,
Lindaura
and thanks for your comment on mine.
For others:
http://fictionvictimtoo.blogspot.com
Thanks, Lindaura, for the lovely comment and for stopping by.
Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
So harsh and so true. And the child-as-insect particularly well expressed. Thanks for coming by earlier.
Kathy
http://notforallmarkets.wordpress.com/2012/05/25/beauty-in-truth/
Very well done. I liked the metaphor of the child and insect.
I hope the moth/child find a good meal very well done. Thank you for posting on mine.
http://yaralwrites.com/
very nice and inspiring too….you’re right, it is somewhat similar to mine at http://writeforacause.org/2012/05/24/friday-fictioneers-moths-conversation/
Thanks for dropping by to my site.
Such a wonderful commentary on our overindulgent society. http://www.unfoldingmyth.com/fridayfictioneers/
Certainly tugged at the heartstrings – and well done with the moth-in-jar analogy. We appreciate the comment you’ve left on ours http://www.lazuli-portals.com/flash-fiction/a-moment-s-pause
What a soul-wrenching reminder that, whatever land it may be, children live with the specter of hunger. Especially sad was his savvy to know that he must move on before he is noticed. Too young to be so street-wise. Very touching and thoughtful delivery.
Touching story. I found myself wanting to buy the boy a burger.
Great take on the prompt. Touching and well written.
For your readers here’s mine if they wish to drop by:
http://tollykitsjourney.wordpress.com/2012/05/25/moths-fridayfictioneers-flashfiction
Beautifully done! Very touching and sad. Thank you for stopping by to read mine. Here’s the link for your other readers: http://theforgottenwife.com/2012/05/25/friday-fictioneers-52512/
You’re most welcome.
And thanks for stopping over to peruse my story.
Love how you can read this from at least two angles! You referenced the sentiment in the picture prompt without referring to the moths at all! Great read! –Also, thanks for visiting my first Flash Fictioneers post:
http://moniqueshante.wordpress.com/2012/05/26/friday-fictioneers-the-light-5-25-12/
Thanks
Some people don’t realize how fortunate they are, others peer through windows full of hunger and hope, often left wanting, or as you put, chased away. I thougth this short was strong, well done.
Here’s mine: http://thebradleychronicles.wordpress.com/2012/05/24/flash-fiction-friday-almost/
Thank you for coming over to read my short story.
And thanks for the brief commentary.
Good twist on the prompt
Thanks Jeanelaine. Loved the part of your story that talked about taking your victories.
This was really a great little story. Your heart is in the right place and your words convey true emotion. Look forward to reading more.
Love how you utilized the prompt picture only as a metaphor — really clever! I’m going to have to remember that trick next time I’m struggling with a picture prompt. Great job!
Thanks. I’m glad my story presented some ideas for your writing.
Very creative work with the prompt – which was very difficult this time!
Thank you Gilly. This is my first time with the Friday Fictioneers.
I’m glad majority of you enjoyed the story.
I’m in awe of the way you used a human point of view to effect such a poignant tale. So creative, so beautifully sad and thought-provoking.
–Jan
http://janmorrill.wordpress.com/2012/05/25/flashfriday-fictioneers-last-supper/
I have to admit that I kept looking for the moths to appear in your story, and was therefore a tad bothered by the fact that you kept comparing the starving child TO a moth (moths don’t have hands, I remember protesting to myself). At the end, however, I realized what you had done, and so read it a second time. That was when the beauty of your extended metaphor sank in. Nice job.
A couple of suggestions, if you don’t mind (ignore them just as easily) … I agree with Carrie with respect to sentence variation. All but two of your sentences begin with some form of pronoun/past tense verb and it is only in the final paragraph that you mix it up a little. The glass jar metaphor also has a technical problem with pronouns … everything in your story is written from the point of view of a third person personal pronoun (he, his), but at the end of the sentence you use an impersonal pronoun … in fact, it is the only impersonal pronoun in the entire story. Instead of the somewhat grating (and a tad bit awkward) structure, you might have tried using a personal pronoun instead. For example, “He placed his dirty hands on the glass like an insect trying to get out of a glass jar, hoping that he would be freed from his misery”.
Again, these are just a few technical thoughts from my own point of view, and carry no weight unless you agree. Bottom-line, I enjoyed your use of the image to create a strong and meaningful metaphor. Thanks for stopping by and reading mine at http://scottcheck.blogspot.com/2012/05/font-face-font-family-cambria-p.html. It’s always nice to hear that someone laughed.
Thank you for the critique Scott. I agree with what Carrie said too and I think the correction you made with the glass jar metaphor makes it a better sentence than the one I wrote.
I must admit I didn’t spend much time on the story. I will be more meticulous next week.
Thanks for the suggestions.
Oh this is so sad. (Thought you were talking from the insect POV at first, than realized it was a metaphor.) But it works out well.
For not spending much time on it, I thought it was very strong. I liked the repeated use of he and his to start the sentences in the first paragraph, repeatedly confirming him as a person, despite the way he is treated like an irritating bug.
Thanks for giving me a different perspective to the repeated use of pronouns at the beginning of my sentences.
Plus I think I’m getting a very good tan from all the praises and constructive criticism.
I, for one, am enjoying the diverse points of view from which the comments are coming.
I suppose trying out new ways of approaching my writing is paying off.
You’ve all given me great ideas on how to redo this story.
Please keep the critiques coming. I appreciate them.
Cheers!
Very interesting. If I read it correctly, the main character isn’t a moth, but a human?
I loved “savouring the delicacies with his young eyes” and that “His tiny tummy rumbled even louder.” I would suggest removing “to eat” to make that sentence stronger, or rearranging it (“His only wish was to eat a few of the leftovers.” (or, to mimic the style of language being used, “left over morsels”). I would suggest “almost finished” instead of “barely finished” (barely suggests they are finished, almost suggests there are leftovers—although they can be finished eating and still have food left over).
What exactly was the cue for him to leave? His tummy rumbling? Or his remembering that nobody wanted an urchin around their business?
Definitely looking forward to seeing more of your stuff!
I appreciate your astute analysis of my work.
In joining the Friday Fictioneers, I have learned some new things about writing.
Please keep the critiques and suggestions coming because they are helping me to correct the mistakes in my writing.
I am pleased you liked some expressions such as “savouring the delicacies with his young eyes” and “His tiny tummy rumbled even louder.”
I suppose I wasn’t able to convey the message about his cue to leave properly because of the word limit (I plan on sticking to the 100 word limit whenever possible).
His cue was actually based on experience than on his contemplation at that moment.
I was trying to say that he had been chased off so many times, he instinctively knew how long to hang around.
So basically, his cue was an experiential knowledge of when to leave.
I guess it didn’t reflect properly in the paragraph, huh?
Thank you for your observations. They’ve given a different perspective to this story.
I hope to see more of you on this blog.
Cheers!
Mmm. I like it. Definitely an interesting perspective and a good take on the prompt. Nice work and thanks for visiting mine, too
thanks for coming over.